Congitationes Meæ in Morte

What is death, really? Is it a mere loss of someone or something near and dear to you? Or is it an unexplainable force that no one could ever fathom? For me, it is none. I believe we are not in idiocy to not know what death is. Yes, the strong emotions of grief, remorse, hatred and guilt are there, but how deep can someone explain what death is?

Death is an inevitable phenomenon that even the most powerful people in the world cannot control. No one can ever tell on who dies first or last, or the exact moment. Many people die of various reasons; lives are taken helplessly and hopelessly when all the people who love and surround you with their care and comfort want nothing more but your survival.  Sometimes even the healthiest people, the ones you least expect to leave this world early, are the ones visited by death and taken away forever. Selfish, at some point, when your body needs the necessary rest it requires (in death's case, an eternal one), yet people still want you alive and prolong your agony for their own benefit (to say the very least). Humorous  how the people who want to continue living exit the world first, whilst the ones who want it to end continue their existence. This is one thing I might never understand until I breathe my last. What would be the excuses of the many? Reasons to live? Some mission they have to deliver for the betterment of the world? The fanatics of such might need to reassess their arguments, because some people leave the world with their so-called "reasons and missions" are left unfinished. Time is not a factor, though. Timing is. There is a difference between dying when people expect you to be dead and people finding out your death and instead of grieving are quite frustrated about it.

Death is an eternal dreamless sleep that shivers in silence, only awakened by the sounds of wary souls. Once your body and soul separate, it can no longer be reunited. The stories in books about its idealistic reunion will always remain a fairy tale for children and adults alike. Reincarnation is also questionable, because humans, animals and plants, though living organisms, have different spiritual abilities. Figuratively rhetoric, I wonder how death will feel like. Will it be slow and painful or at ease? If it is food, how would the taste be? Would it taste like bread and marmalade or a pungent tuna cocktail? Would the scent be that of a garden of flowers or likened to a graveyard of bones? Would we see a light filled with plains, hills, fields and the rest of paradise, or drown in darkness filled with horror, abhorrence, disgust, fright and confusion? I could go on asking these rhetorical questions, but I would never have the answers gripped if I have not yet reached the point of my last breath.

Ah yes... Death. A mystery that everyone wants to decipher and decode yet no one wants to experience. An event that can either bring everlasting joy to one person and unending solace to another. One day, when the timing is right, I shall learn them myself.

WEIRD ME

I. AM. A. WEIRDO. 

Yeahp. That's me. Well, I am proud to admit that I am weird (rather than get offended by it). I mean c'mon, who doesn't have a little weirdness in them? (Boring people! Hahaha! I kid.) Anyways, well, being weird is not really a bad thing. For me, I see weirdness as an art because not everyone can pull of the right amount of weirdness in them (others who try being weird but just can't pull it off are either outcasts or are being sent to mental institutions). Did that sound judgmental? Sorry.

Anyway, why am I posting this all of a sudden? It's simply because I'd like to share my weird side with everyone, and would also like to inform the haters (I have) that you calling me weird I take as a truthful compliment than a horrible insult that degrades me. Hahaha! I'm actually really proud to be weird or different simply because I'm confident in being myself. I'm not an overly rich person. I'm not a child prodigy. I'm not all that intelligent. I'm really just an average weirdo walking down the streets of the city wondering why I'm not affected when I get called 'weird'. Some people take that offensively. I see it otherwise. You know, being weird actually means good. It means you don't conform to society and just live your own life. It means that you have your own sense of styling yourself and standing up for yourself. And that's one of the most bravest things anyone can do. In a sea of people trying to go with the flow, I chose to stand against the current. Why? Because if I don't, well... I won't be who I am. I won't be who I'm suppose to be. So I chose to be this way. I won't allow anyone to change me anymore, even if it's for the better. Accept me as I am, or leave me alone. I'm, good, really. God loves me and I love Him too, and we're good. No need to impress other people now.

Still find me weird? It's fine. I'm weird and I'm proud. :)

- ArghkneeDarkberry

Artsy Fartsy! :D

This is probably one of my most awesome masterpieces ever... THE BLENDOKU SHAPES :)

I did that for 3 days during the Papal Visit to the Philippines, and I don't even know why. I guess I got quite bored then, and it was break time (we had a break from school for a few days), so I decided to use that time to create this. I honestly had limited coloring materials then (only a few colored pens and colored pencils). But now, I have a lot. I've saved up money (and sometimes asked Dad) so I can buy those coloring materials. I drew shapes first with a marker, then colored the edges of the shapes until I was able to fill them up.

So what now would be a befitting description/interpretation for this work of art? Well...

"The colors represent every person, their personalities and moods. They're all different. We are all different. But those differences illuminate us, make us shine, help us. And when we come in together, we're like a beautiful rainbow... An exciting mix of colors pleasing to the Eyes of the One True Maestro."

I'm planning to make another one, so... You'll just have to wait. I'll do it by the summer. Hahahaha! :)

- ArghkneeDarkberry :)

GIF Craze!

Some GIFs me and my friends made using an app called GIF Me! I know I made this post Tumblr-ish, but hey... I did say I'm a bit weird and stuff. Hahaha! :P Hope you enjoy them! ;)

Special thanks to Eunice, Harlace, Ate Vina, Aaron, and my super awesome bestfriend Ria <3 br="" nbsp="">

"But For Me, MAROON & WHITE..." (How PWU Saved My [College] Life)

"Konting push nalang, gagradweyt na ako!" 

One of the many common posts I see today in my Facebook News Feed is this line. Ahh yes... Who doesn't want to feel that graduating vibe? The grad pictorials, the toga rentals, the venue, the grad gifts the pester market demands from their parents... All of them lead to one unforgettable event in everyone's lives: GRADUATION. PAGTATAPOS. Shocking isn't it? Nostalgic, even. You remember the first time you ever experienced school? And now, all of a sudden, you're in your last level, the TERTIARY level, just before you enter the "real" world. I remember before this trimester started (which will be my last trimester), I was walking down the lobby and told myself "Ang bilis ng panahon. Kapapasok ko lang dito ah? Ngayon magtatapos na ako." I also remember how grateful I am PWU saved me from a rather uninteresting and dull college life. Here are some of those times when it really did save me from feeling bored and bemused:

1) PWU WAS THE PLACE WHERE I FOUND MY SWEET ESCAPE FROM THE SORT OF DULL LIFE I EXPERIENCED IN MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL.

* OK, lemme clear things out first: I KINDA DID ENJOY MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL SOMEHOW. But it was honestly dull and stuff. Or maybe I'm biased because I haven't experienced much there. But to be honest, I was able to visualize that early how my life would be in my previous school: it would be less exciting, and I wouldn't feel the warmth of the school. I'd be an outcast, and just go through it. Here in PWU, I've breathed the freshest of airs when it comes to college life. It was fun, exciting, and the energy of the students during activities never runs out. Truly a "sweet escape" for me.

2) PWU MADE ME REALIZE THE REAL IMPORTANCE OF MY DREAMS.

* Ever since 3rd year high school, I've dreamed of becoming a journalist, not because I wanted to be seen talking on TV or something, but the feeling of being in media gives me this euphoric, proud feeling that you would always be in the know and less ignorant of things. Upon entering the school, I was given the widest of views when it comes to the field I've chosen to enter in. It made me realize that my dreams would be much, much better if I focused on it and gave my best. I was given a lot of opportunities to show my potentials, and I must say, I am now prepared to make them all come true.

3) PWU IS THE MOST EXCITING PLACE TO MEET AND MAKE FRIENDS.

Yeahp. I'm going to be proud in saying this, but PWU is the best place to balance school and social life. In here, you feel like you belong. I made friends easily here, and the loyalty of each other does not crumble in any way. I always get giddy when going to school, because this is where my friends are. (In fact, this is where I found my two awesome besties!) Truly, if you feel down and have no friends, hop on here! We'll all be your friends!

Well there you have it. They might be few, but still, they're the reasons why I will always have PWU in my heart. This is the place where I found myself, where I was able to realize and learn a lot of things about life, and where I was opened up to limitless possibilities for my future. *sigh* Only a month to go and I'll be leaving my dear Alma Mater. But my promise would always, always be fulfilled: all colors will be brighter than any, BUT FOR ME, MAROON AND WHITE.

PHILIPPINE TELEVISION: THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT! (A COMMENTARY)

I. Ø  So our professor in one of our major subjects made us read an article regarding Philippine Television. At first, it wasn’t really that exciting, but upon reading it (no, delving into it), Wow. It was surely an eye-opener for me, a future media practitioner. I honestly expected it, but it was worse than I thought. So here are some important points I’d like to comment on: 

1) THAT PHILIPPINE TELEVISION HAS ALWAYS BEEN PROFIT-MOTIVATED AND NEVER FOR PUBLIC SERVICE. When I started reading the article, it was the first to be discussed: the acquisition and creation of ABS-CBN and other major broadcasting networks here in the country. You can see there that the reason was again for business. I think every network’s like that, even in other countries. I’ve never heard of a broadcasting company that aims to provide “information for the service of the public” (although ABS-CBN has that for a tagline, but I don’t really feel it). Never have I heard, in my 20 years of existence, of a broadcasting network whose sole purpose is to be of service to their countrymen. Almost every television station would only care about how much money they rake in thanks to faux advertising (not to mention ones which are deceptive from the truth), how their artists are being “perfectly trained”, or how their ratings fair. (Tidbit: ABS-CBN and GMA both have separate market research firms, so there goes being biased). How can these companies shift easily from being just an entrepreneurial station to a full-blown profit-motivated company? Where’s the sense of being “for the public” when all you show is the positively concealed condition of others whenever a distinguished foreign dignitary comes to visit our country? Where’s that “service” thing you claim. With that kind of nature comes the mediocrity of the companies; never giving its name all the potentials it has to experiment on different genres and focus on teenybopper love stories, corny sitcoms, and repetitive movies and TV shows about cheating husbands and desperate wives.

2) THAT PHILIPPINE TV STILL HAVE SEX AND VIOLENCE AS THE LEADING GENRES FOR VIEWERS. Because let’s face it: “sex sells” and people nowadays are amused with either two men punching each other to death and two women pulling each other’s hair until strands come off. Even the kids! When kids fight, they don’t stop them from doing so, instead, they film thw ehole thing (or maybe just a part) and post it on either YouTube or Facebook. In fact, I’m afraid I cannot even fathom why they would actually want to watch such, I mean, do they watch it because it feeds their hunger for so-called “action”? Do they watch it because it’s their own interpretation of “entertainment”? Do they watch it because they want their “video” to like 100000000 likes from strangers worldwide? Or do they watch it simply because of the influence of those who live to watch fake “extremes”? Only they know the answer, and I guess I’ll be left with confusion. 

3) THAT THE FUTURE OF PHILIPPINE TELEVISION WILL NOT BE BASED ON DIGITAL BLAH BLAHS BUT ON THE PERFORMANCE OF FUTURE JOURNALISTS/MEDIA PRACTITIONERS. I remember my professor once told us that we, the new generation of media people, are the “agents of change”. (It) Holds true, though. In today’s computer era, where everything happens in a click of the mouse, everything can have the possibility of changing. Social media’s birth opeed other births for technology, most especially media. We media people are always on the go, either of those. From the way we deliver news, to the way news reaches borders in both the country and outside of it, we have the responsibility to innovate the old ways of media and catch up with its globalization in the 21^st century. Gone are the days of boring old news programs and lousy newspapers. Now we digitize them and deliver them fresh from the source. We have this enthusiastic nature to promote good public relations and would very much be willing to pitch for advertisements to clients and stockholders. 

Those were just some salient points I’d like to react on. This article really helped opened my mind to the truth of our nation’s media standing and inspired me to pursue that change I’m talking about in #3. It's in our hands now. Are we up to take the challenge? 

I'm Having A Hard Time Being Single

I guess I need not explain as to why my post is titled that way. Five months have passed and I am still single, and I am honestly having a hard time being one. I guess it is because I got used to being 'in a relationship' that is why I am like this. For other people, it is practically very easy to live life even if they are alone and not having a lover. Well for me, it is really hard. I badly want to be in a relationship again, with high hopes that my boyfriend would be my husband and partner for life when time comes. But right now, I am having a hard time looking for a guy to take up that role in my life.

I will not lie if I say that I am quite envious of the ones now currently involved in a romantic relationship. Even, I guess, the ones that became couples too quickly, even time did not notice it (though I know the consequence of losing the relationship early due to a weak foundation earlier in the relationship). I frequently question myself: "Why is it that no man would want to become mine?" Why? I am capable of loving! And yet fate, destiny, or a certain living Deity has deprived me of the one thing I ask for right now. Is it because I am not that beautiful? Not that thin? Is it because I do not fix myself much, or put make-up on my face? Is it because the only things I know how to do are reading, writing and make arts and crafts? Is it because I am weird and I do not go with the flow of what is 'in' right now? Is it because of the many questions I ask? Or... Is it because I will never really be in another relationship again?

I am quite pissed off and angry, but I do not know who I'd blame for these feelings. Even I, the one feeling all these negativity, do not know who these are for. It is very easy to point a finger, but it is hard to give reason as to why I would put the blame on whoever I would. Sadness, anger, hatred and fear are the feelings I carry in my heart right now.

Sometimes, I would just think of flirting with different boys, let my confidence reach its limit, be a bad person, or get myself drunk. All these I am willing to do just to forget thinking about the hardship of not having a boyfriend. Sometimes, the hardest decision is made: on whether or not I would still continue living. You know? So that I would need not to think about all the pain I am experiencing right now. I only wish for one thing: to be with a guy who would help me change these negative feelings or remove them, or if not, simply change my outlook in life and in love. My heart is not numb. At least not now. But I am feeling the end of the softness of my heart, as it is ready to be completely numb and hard as a rock. I fear the day that a man would come up to me to soften it, but he could not anymore.

Others say, 'Time is all you need,' 'Just wait. He's just around the corner, waiting for the right time to introduce himself to me.' But I guess when the day comes that I meet the one for me, I would not have to guts to play the game of love. My heart would be numb in totality, and would only hurt him if he offers his heart to me. We are both pitiful, but I would pity myself more. When I have no intention of gambling my heart again, there he would try to crush my unbreakable heart.

I am having a hard time being single, but I guess this sadness and smarting pain would all be temporary. I guess I would just have to wait for the day that my heart is numb and would not feel the pain and sadness of love. I would be free at last. Even if the guy was sent for by the president of the Philippines or the angels of the Almighty Father, I guess I would not love him, unlike the love, care and comfort I am willing to offer now. :(

(NOTE: I originally wrote this in Filipino, but since I'm more comfortable with English and my blogs are mostly in the aforementioned language, I just translated it.)