I will not lie if I say that I am quite envious of the ones now currently involved in a romantic relationship. Even, I guess, the ones that became couples too quickly, even time did not notice it (though I know the consequence of losing the relationship early due to a weak foundation earlier in the relationship). I frequently question myself: "Why is it that no man would want to become mine?" Why? I am capable of loving! And yet fate, destiny, or a certain living Deity has deprived me of the one thing I ask for right now. Is it because I am not that beautiful? Not that thin? Is it because I do not fix myself much, or put make-up on my face? Is it because the only things I know how to do are reading, writing and make arts and crafts? Is it because I am weird and I do not go with the flow of what is 'in' right now? Is it because of the many questions I ask? Or... Is it because I will never really be in another relationship again?
I am quite pissed off and angry, but I do not know who I'd blame for these feelings. Even I, the one feeling all these negativity, do not know who these are for. It is very easy to point a finger, but it is hard to give reason as to why I would put the blame on whoever I would. Sadness, anger, hatred and fear are the feelings I carry in my heart right now.
Sometimes, I would just think of flirting with different boys, let my confidence reach its limit, be a bad person, or get myself drunk. All these I am willing to do just to forget thinking about the hardship of not having a boyfriend. Sometimes, the hardest decision is made: on whether or not I would still continue living. You know? So that I would need not to think about all the pain I am experiencing right now. I only wish for one thing: to be with a guy who would help me change these negative feelings or remove them, or if not, simply change my outlook in life and in love. My heart is not numb. At least not now. But I am feeling the end of the softness of my heart, as it is ready to be completely numb and hard as a rock. I fear the day that a man would come up to me to soften it, but he could not anymore.
Others say, 'Time is all you need,' 'Just wait. He's just around the corner, waiting for the right time to introduce himself to me.' But I guess when the day comes that I meet the one for me, I would not have to guts to play the game of love. My heart would be numb in totality, and would only hurt him if he offers his heart to me. We are both pitiful, but I would pity myself more. When I have no intention of gambling my heart again, there he would try to crush my unbreakable heart.
I am having a hard time being single, but I guess this sadness and smarting pain would all be temporary. I guess I would just have to wait for the day that my heart is numb and would not feel the pain and sadness of love. I would be free at last. Even if the guy was sent for by the president of the Philippines or the angels of the Almighty Father, I guess I would not love him, unlike the love, care and comfort I am willing to offer now. :(
(NOTE: I originally wrote this in Filipino, but since I'm more comfortable with English and my blogs are mostly in the aforementioned language, I just translated it.)
